Hostess (at a dinner party): What, going already, Professor Bennett? And must you take your dear wife with you? Professor: Indeed, I m sorry to say I must!
As a steamer was leaving Athens, a woman went up to the captain and, pointing to the distant hills, inquired: What is that white stuff on those hills? That is snow, madam, replied the captain. Well, said the lady, I thought so myself. But a gentleman just told me it was Greece.
At a formal dinner the hostess, who was seated at the far end of the table from a very famous actress, wrote a note to the actress and had the butler deliver it. The actress couldn t read without her glasses, so she asked the man at her left to read it to her. It says, he began, Dear, do me a favor and please don t neglect the man at your left. I know he s a bore, but talk to him.
Startling statements found of examination papers: Daniel Boone was born in a log cabin he built himself. An Indian baby is called a caboose.The mother of Abraham Lincoln died in infancy.
James Whitcomb Riley and Bill Nye used to go about the country together lecturing. Once when they were traveling by train, Bill Nye, who was very fond of playing jokes on his friend, happened to spy Mr. Riley s ticket protruding from his coat pocket. He reached over and removed it without Riley s knowledge.
When the conductor entered the car for fares, Bill Nye remarked innocently, Here comes the conductor. Get out your ticker. Mr. Riley searched first in one pocket and then another, but with no success. At length he turned to his friend and explained that he had lost his ticket, and asked him for a loan since he had spent all his money buying the ticket.
Billy: I got a new little baby brother. Milly: Another one? Gee, you ve got about nineteen already, haven t you? Billy: yeah. Milly: What s his name? Billy: We called him Joe for two days. Milly: For two days? Then what happened? Billy: After two days my father and mother found out we ve already got a Joe in the family.
Little five-year-old Betty was taken to church for the first time. As she walked out of the church with her parents, the preacher stopped her, leaned over, and asked her how she liked church. I liked the music okay, said Betty, but the commercial was too long.
A lady decided to have the little neighbor boy stay for lunch one day. As the meal got under way, she watched his struggles to manipulate his knife and fork and, hoping to be helpful, finally asked him, Are you sure you can cut your steak? Oh yes, he replied. We often have it this tough at home.
The visiting governor of Maine was addressing a group of the inmates of a penitentiary. Fellow citizens, he began , then stopped short, Because they were not citizens. Fellow convicts, he began again, then realized he was again off the beam. Well, boys, he finally said, I don t know what to call you, but I m mighty glad to see so many here.